Hello hairless apes I see that on Wednesday your President Obama will be “debating” Mr. Romney. Debate, it offends my feline intelligence to call it that. After all, a man who does not know how to ask a question outside of either of their comfort zones, Jim Lehrer, will be “moderating” a set of questions agreed upon by two men, Obama and Romney, who between have to share their combined vertebrate to form half a backbone. That you expect to be enlightened by this little set-to is why my species has yours cleaning our boxes and lording it over you in your own homes.

Perhaps the most charming thing about this upcoming meeting of your two corporately approved candidates is that the GOP expects Mr. Romney to perform as poorly as he has run his entire campaign. That is saying something as I have seen your Chicago Cubs string together better performances than this. They are so worried that somehow the deeply committed corporate stenographer, Jim Lehrer is a liberal media pundit. Oh, my sides hurt from reading Red State. As a public service to those who seek to be dangerously informed I feel the need to try and prepare you for ninety minutes of your life that you will not be getting back.

The Moderator and the Audacity of Propaganda
The first debate will be on the economy in specific and domestic policy in general. It should reassure you that the moderator believes his role is and I quote: "My part of journalism is to present what various people say . . . I'm not in the judgment part of journalism. I'm in the reporting part of journalism." There are a number of ways one could read this… assuming one can read and reason their way out of a small room with one door. It should be obvious the Mr. Lehrer will not be correcting even the most outrageous lies that will be stated with the kind of bold conviction ad confidence that it should alarm you as much as it amuses me.

I shall have to be careful to not be drinking anything when Mr. Romney tells at least seven kinds of economic lies and is called on none of them causing all of you to believe he understands how an economy actually works. Which I assure you, he does not. I will have to be equally on guard when Obama begins to spin some yarn about saving the economy from another Great Depression while hoping that none of you understand he hasn’t actually fixed any of the problems he inherited. The prospect of you and the rest of the electorate receiving ninety minutes of such disorienting infotainment explains the popularity of both Jersey Shore and this… Honey Boo-Boo I hear so very much about. Perhaps this is all Gangham Style, n'est–ce pas?

The Obama/Romney Game Plans
Mr. Romney will ask if you are better off than when Obama came to office.  Then he will offer to take steps that will if you had a decent moderator, a longer attention span, any critical thinking skills at all or better memory would sound eerily similar to what that delightful bumpkin from Texas you all wanted to have a beer with said and did just a few years ago.  That Romney will not, cannot or dare not explain the highly suspect numbers of his magical economic plan and when I say plan I am using the loosest definition of that word possible. In the feline word were he call this collection of pages and numbers a plan we rend him with our claws and force him to show us his belly in humiliation. This, however, is why I am a feline and you are hominids… such a big lie, I believe will work on you.

President Obama will remind you that not even Mitt Romney knows what Mitt Romney will do or say at any given moment. Then he will appeal for more time to fix the undeniable crisis that he inherited from a man whose name cannot be uttered in public discourse… W. Even Obama will not directly invoke him; it is as his name carries some terrible curse of incompetence and evil… I’d shudder if I did not find the reality so droll. The President, of course, is hoping that you have forgotten that his remedies to the banking scandals, foreclosure crisis, civil liberties losses, illegal wars, torture, the BP Oil Disaster and even the Keystone Pipeline have one thing in common. He always protects the interests of the powerful and cannot find his comfortable walking shoes  even when over a million Americans are still fighting for worker’s rights in Wisconsin  against a Governor who should be his arch-enemy… but strangely isn’t.

What You Will Not Be Hearing a Damn Thing About
This list is exhaustive and if I thought you were capable of rallying in the streets as an informed populace I would not share it with you… but you are Americans. You are no more likely to riot over NFL referees than you are over the shameful childhood poverty numbers that define your society. Suffice to say, there is nothing I could reveal about what you won’t hear, no matter how terrible or that directly affects you that will cause you to take action. Yes, I am taunting you thumb-servants as I know that you all know your places.

You will not be hearing about your loss of civil liberties from habeas corpus to illegal wire-tapping, whistleblower prosecutions, the failure to prosecute the Bush Administration’s malefactors, the NDAA and all the rest of the things we of the 1% are so pleased with, as it will help us “contain” you should you ever begin to act like the Italians, Portuguese, Icelanders, Spanish, Iranians, French, Egyptians, Greeks… I think you get the picture.

You will not be hearing about any solutions to economic inequality if you hear about it all. We are the 99% indeed. Issues of poverty, if they come up at all, will be raised in the most embarrassing way possible. You will be subjected to rising tides lifting boats, opportunity economies, boot straps and your inadequate human gods only knows what else… but all of it will not be helpful. So don’t expect to hear about the fact that twenty-five percent of American children live in poverty to bother either of the candidates and what should they care if the mass of you cannot afford to feed your kittens? Theirs are set in chew toy and catnip department… you will have to try and play by the rules harder. Mr. Obama promises to make such things more possible.

You shall not be burdened with either of the two massive financial bubbles that are expanding quietly into the next set of bank bailouts. Those would be the student loan debt bubble and the rental property securitization bubble. You are probably unaware of the latter bubble but that is why I am a fabulously wealthy investor and you are reading my human’s blog in your underwear and curlers. If the ineffectual Dodd-Frank legislation comes up at all it will be mentioned in some glib way that doesn’t explain all the financial misdeeds it has been unable to slow down since its’ creation from MF Global to LIBOR to the latest round of settlements with Bank of America.

Do not expect for fracking, climate destruction, the role of speculation in the commodities market in the cost of food prices and global famine. You did not seriously believe that the drought was so severe it dried up stored foodstuffs did you? How very naive. Regardless, the environment is more or less doing fine. While we are exploring Arctic shipping lanes and becoming the number one exporter of gasoline you should not spend anytime wondering how we can be a the leading exporter of gasoline and yours still costs nearly five dollars a gallon. That kind of dissonance might make you doubt the validity of whatever sort of economics both candidates appear to ascribe to and we… and by we, I mean beings on my level, cannot afford to have you thinking like that.

There are more issues that are not going to come up but here is a short list. Card check, worker’s rights, the thirty million some odd Americans not covered by Obamacare and the millions of Americans who “age out” every year into the ranks of the under, inadequately and uninsured and our crumbling infrastructure. You are not get to spend any time exploring quality education, corporate personhood, what the Federal Reserve has been up to, why Simpson-Bowles is the worst idea ever or the impact of say the Trans-Pacific Partnership’s looming impact on what remains of your economic base.

Yes kitten-lovers you shall be in the dark on all of these things. I hope that you enjoy voting on what they will talk about, which will impact your lives hardly at all… I do so love democracy as you Americans practice it… and practice is the right word… if this was a real competition you the public would be terrible losers… Oh my, but it is real… how exciting for you and of course lucrative for me.

What Your Idiot Media Will Fixate On and What You Will See
Mr. Romney will be attacking Obama all night. There will be something properly called “dog whistle” politics to the worst members of your society. (I feel the need to explain that “dog whistle” does not refer to something only audible to certain ears as clearly ALL of you HEAR these pathetic calls for violence, fear and division. It refers to the fact that you must be a cur to say such things… Ah… canines… so very useless and lowly.)  President Obama will be personable and something called Presidential, if he is successful the word gravitas will be tossed around. While you are watching the puppet show the media will be having a completely different conversation, mainly with themselves. Basically, no matter what the candidates say how my media friends talk about it later will be what actually happened. Yes, none of us believe that enough of you possess the memory or the will to divine or retain the debate you just watched so here is what will be cleverly “spun” for you.

They will wonder if Romney was able to not appear disdainful, dismissive and out of touch. They will ponder if Obama managed not to get blamed for the high unemployment rate or mired in some made up scandal. There will be plenty of unchallenged misinformation. Solyndra will be an example of failed redistribution. There will be some arguing over the fraudulent $700 billion dollar Medicaid cut charge. Romney’s taxes will come up; the idiotic 47% comment is going to get its’ moment in the sun. The fact the Mitt Romney has been on every side of any issue can’t help but come up. What will not come up is anything that will help you be a better citizen or demand better public policy and I find that reassuring. Until next time furless ones… don’t hate the player, play the game better.